Learning stuff

I had to learn a tough lesson yesterday. I wasted energy on planning to go and see someone who really should remain a figure in my past. let's just say I hadn't quite given up on the romantic notion of being in love with him and still clung on to the idea that we could share a few quiet moments together.. not to be, I'm afraid. There is something about him that touches me deeply but he is very complex and I ought to know by now that it's pointless to expect anything from him. It's very painful too. I know it's only human to want to share one's life with another but you have to chose carefully. The unpredictable ones can seem interesting but they can hurt like hell as well.

Anyway, I've learned over the last couple of weeks that there are lessons in life that tend to repeat themselves again and again until they've well and truly sunk in to my conscious mind. I've been seeking out people and situations from my past that feel familiar and by doing so I've stirred up a lot of old feelings. It's funny because I thought I was not afraid of the future or the unknown but I'm learning that repeating old patterns of behavior has a strange effect of feeling familiar but also making you feel trapped. I have loved these people, and still do - we shared a particular time and place together. But that was then, it's over, and this is NOW. I have to face the future and new situations in life with an open and inquiring mind. That is the essence of being creative too. It is pointless to go over old ground again and again when you can create a new pattern in life and enjoy the sense of life opening up again.

This brings me back to the theme of home again and the fact that "home" is in fact a state of mind. Just what is it that makes me feel good about myself? It is to feel part of life, to feel that I exist not just in my mind but in the bigger world as well. The idea of a happy life is one that is shared and is stimulating. I need the solitary times when I can be creative and introspective alone in my room but I also have to get out there and interact with the world outside. I aim to find the right balance but it's not always easy and I haven't got it figured out at the moment. It's got something to do with the fact that we're in the middle of a cold dark winter and it's difficult to go out and join in when you feel set back by bugs and the cold weather. One day at a time, however... and as Scarlett O'Hara says in Gone with the Wind "I can't think about that right now. If I do, I'll go crazy. I'll think about that tomorrow." Tomorrow is another day..